May 21, 2011

Letters to Rachel #2

from: Me
to: Rachel
date: Wed, May 20, 2011 at 2:28 PM
subject: Good News!

Dear Rachel,

You seem to have failed to answer my previous email. After careful consideration, I'm inclined to attribute this lack of response to the fact that I didn't exactly give you any good new, so I'm sending you this addendum to patch things up: 

Good News! Please let me know when you're arriving so I can pick you up and get rid of the 5 asian kids I have living in the bedroom cupboard (Ling, Sing, Bing, Ming and Mr. Miyagi). I managed to get quite a fair deal on them from the owner of the indian restaurant down the road (10 Eur each!), he has his very own prostitution network, so this way we won't lose any sleep at night knowing the kids will be looked after by a responsible entrepreneur. 

More good news: I have finished the construction work I set out to do just before you left. It mainly involved reducing the size of the kitchen, living room and bedroom, while gracefully expanding my office as much as possible. I can't really say it went according to plan, 'cause that last wall should have been stronger. I don't know what went wrong, as I followed the instructions from thoroughly. Anyway, to keep things on an even keel, I decided to remove all walls and create just one nice open space. The bathroom had to go, but I left a bucket outside, should the need arise. The kitchen was also sacrificed but we have a direct line to the indian restaurant. Apparently after selling him the kids, we get 5% off all orders, so there will be no more cooking for us. 

Even more good news: Remember The nice big LCD TV I bought for you last year? I have taken it back. I spent some time watching it before deciding, and came to the conclusion that there's nothing on TV that can possible do you any good, so instead, you're getting a rubrics cube that will, no doubt, bring you hours of fun and also exercise both our brains. By this time next year we'll be freakin' geniuses. 


Me, Max, Misty, Stinky, Ling, Sing, Bing, Ming and Mr. Miyagi 

P.S. I smashed your car down the road, but fortunately missed the indian restaurant. I didn't want to get into trouble with the police so I just abandoned the scene. I expect you'll be getting a phone call about that. (airbag worked quite well) 


No comments:

Post a Comment