Genius wants to buy my old computer

Background info: I was selling a computer through an online ad, and after almost a month of getting silly comments and questions, I finally lost it and decided to take it all out on this guy:

Here's the ad followed by emails we exchanged:

Macintosh Dual G5 1.8 PPC with Two Mirai 22" LCD Monitors (1680x1050px) and two printers (HP Deskjet D2460 and Samsung Laser Black & white A4).

Primary HDD: Original 80 Gbytes, Secondary HDD: Sata 200 Gbytes, Keyboard, Mighty Mouse, OS X 10.5.8

System Profiler Info: Model Name: Power Mac G5, Model Identifier: PowerMac7,3, Processor Name: PowerPC G5 (2.2), Processor Speed: 1.8 GHz, Number Of CPUs: 2, L2 Cache (per CPU): 512 KB, Memory: 3 GB, Bus Speed: 900 MHz, ATI Radeon 9600 XT.

500 Euros (Non Negotiable)

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 5:25 PM
subject: Interest in ad

Hello [My Name]!
Nuno Castro has sent you the following message:

I'll give you 200 Euros for the Mac tower.

Thank You
Nuno Castro

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 5:41 PM
subject: Re: Interest in ad

Hello Nuno,

Thank you for your kind offer. I will certainly consider it for the next 30 seconds.
...
...
...
Done.

I'm counter-proposing several different packets that comply with the part of my original ad that reads "Non Negotiable".

a) 200 Eur for the tower + 300 Eur for everything else.
b) 10 Eur for the tower + 490 Eur for everything else.
c) 20 Eur for each monitor, 60 for the laser printer, 100 for inkjet printer and 300 for the tower.
d) everything for 10 Eur plus a 490 Eur fee for having to waste time with absurd offers.

Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 5:59 PM
subject: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Won't you sell it for 200 Eur?

Thank You
Nuno Castro

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 7:16 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Hello Nuno,

Thank you for proposing the exact same thing twice. It's always better that way, just in case I misunderstood you the first time.
Of course I'll sell the tower for 200 Eur! All prices are negotiable providing the final sum of all 5 products remains the same. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote Non Negotiable.

I've attached a graphical version of my counter-proposal. As you can see, the tower is now 200 Eur.
Hope we can do business soon.

Kind Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 2:37 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

More or less how much is the postage? Because I'm from Porto.

Regards
Nuno Castro

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 2:50 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Good Afternoon,

Thank you for contacting me again. I would like to adequately answer your question but I need to know if you're referring to postage for just the tower or the whole package.

Kind Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 3:18 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Just the tower? The tower's price isn't negotiable. is it really 200 Eur.?

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 3:36 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Good Afternoon,

Thank you again for your email, it's always a pleasure to do online business of this nature.

I was thinking of quitting my job and trying my luck at the nearest post office, that way I would have better insight to answer questions about postage fees, but, because the country is going through a crisis, I feel quitting my current job is a somewhat risky maneuver. However if I did work at the post office, and i wanted to transport a computer from Lisbon to Porto I would charge two distinct fees, one for sunny days and one for rainy days. Assuming the transport would be in non-waterproof cardboard boxes, and if these got wet, that would make them heavier, therefor the postage would be greater, but only for the second half of the journey, because the boxes would be dry at the start, unless the client requested a pre-wetting.

One day tele-transportation will be possible for this type of thing, but I also cannot estimate what would be the cost involved. Do you think the prices will still be calculated based on size and weight, or rather based on density and molecule count? I hope I live long enough to see those days.

As I have stated several times, both in the form of text and images, in my previous emails, the tower is 200 Eur. or 10 or 300, depending on the bundle you choose, the bundle price however remains unaltered.

Regarding the transport, it is also a flexible situation. I can send just the tower and then you can come down and pick up the rest, I can send everything, you can ask a friend to come and get it, or, if you own another computer, I can turn it on and you can work remotely and even enjoy the dual monitor capabilities (depending on which remote control software you use).

Kind Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 3:58 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

So the tower is 200 Eur?

I just didn't get how much the postage fees for the tower are.

The remote control application I have is teamviewer. We can try to connect so I can see it working.

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 4:31 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Dear Nuno,

I've noticed you use the nickname "Strokes", that in English can mean many things, ranging from sudden loss of brain function caused by a blocked or ruptured blood vessel to lightly rubbing something with the hand. I'm more inclined to the first one, as thinking about the second one disturbs me.

I'm happy you contacted me again, because I am very fond of this computer and I do not want to sell it to just anyone. I will sleep better at night knowing it went to an intelligent, responsible and sensitive person, who will enjoy many hours of work and fun on a machine that has brought myself many joys.

This computer is wonderful, and can connect remotely to almost anything. Personally I do not know teamviewer, but since it has the word 'team' in its name, I'm guessing it will work without any problems. I am not at home right now, but you can connect at will since I left the computer on.

Kind Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:20 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Can you send me more photos?

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:29 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:54 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

You didn't send me photos of the tower like I asked. Could you please send them.

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:59 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Dear Nuno,

Attached you'll find a photo of the tower.

Kind Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:06 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

I'm sorry but the attachment did not contain a photo of the tower.
I would appreciate if you could send me photos of just the tower.

Thank you
Nuno Casto

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:11 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:14 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Could you send a photo of the Mac?

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:20 PM
subject: Mac

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:24 PM
subject: Re: Mac

I don't think it's funny anymore, I would appreciate if you would send the photos of the mac g5 (aplle)

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:38 PM
subject: Re: Re: Mac

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:44 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Mac

I would like to see photos of the powermax g5

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:53 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mac

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:56 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mac

I can see you don't have a tower for sale. if you do I would like you to send photos.

from: Rachel [My Girlfriend at the time]
to: Nuno Castro
cc: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 9:24 PM
subject: ???

Are you the guy that's trying to buy [My Name]'s computer?
He said he would sell it to me first!!!
I was almost sending him the 600 euros he had asked for.
I've been to his house and all and I really want that computer because it's great and a good deal!

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
cc: Rachel
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 9:34 PM
subject: Re: ???

That's right, I had forgotten. I had promised to sell the computer to Rachel for 600 euros, because she was going to keep the cat too. You see, the cat, not only is a pest, but he loves that computer and won't get off it. It will be hard to separate them.
Would you like to have everything for 600 euros? (cat included)

for 700 you get 2 cats
for 1000 you get 2 cats and a dog (PowerMax G5)

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:38 PM
subject: Re: Re: ???

Go Fuck yourself.

from:Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:44 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: ???

Hello Nuno,

Thanks for your email. Are you still interested in the computer?

Kind Regards,

Me

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:56 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: ???

Yes, I've told you I am, but you have to send me photos or I won't buy it.

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:58 PM
subject: Photos

Letter to my brother

from: Me
to: Brother
date: Sat, May 28, 2011 at 2:38 AM
subject: Got Money 4 You

Hi Bro,

Cash has arrived. Total is xx,xxx so you get x,xxx. 

My account won't allow me to send that much 'cause I don't have the stupid Token-thingy-ma-jig, so I'll send it over in smaller chunks. Was thinking of 10 euros per week. Sounds fair and it's a good deal for you, this way you wont spend it all at once and you can sleep well at night knowing that every week you're gonna get 10 more. Think of it as a very cool job, where I'm the employer and you are the employee, except you don't have to do anything to get paid. 

I will send the first 10 as soon as possible, and when you run out let me know so I can send some more (please forward all invoices to my email account so I can check that you're spending it wisely) 

There is of course a small catch. As I'm required to log onto my home banking every week, and this can be a risk in the sense that the more you use the system, the greater the chances are of someone seeing you type in your password and taking control of your account, added to the increased stress and work this will bring to my life, I feel I should be paid a small fee for every transfer. Let's say 5 Euros, negotiable, of course. 

Also, it's only fair that I should get a little compensation for using my very expensive Macintosh to perform these tasks. These things are no longer built to last like in the old days, and there are many wears and tears to consider, like the gradual wearing of the keyboard and mouse buttons, hard drive degradation, memory usage, etc. Let's say 4 euros/week, also negotiable. 

For the strain my beautiful 27'' monitor causes on my eyes, I'll require 4,35 / week. 

Of course, these things cannot be accomplished without the use of my internet line, which also costs money and I strongly feel, in all fairness, that you should participate in that cost too. How does 3 euros / week sound? 

There is still the matter of electricity to account for. 3,5 euros / week seems fair. 

While I'm doing this, I won't be doing any work, so that's another 5 euros / week for my time. 

Coming up with this plan involved careful thought, some minor math skills and use of a computer. Here I must say that these skills did not come cheap, so I'll include a small amount to compensate for all these years of studying. 8 euros / week seems about right to me. If you knew how much I charge for my services, you would be very happy with this deal. 

I'm guessing that sometimes I'm going to be hungry or thirsty, so we can add 9,95 for food and beverages every week. 

Oh, and I need a new hard drive, and I see no reason why you should not participate in this cost too. 6 euros /week. 

BTW, my birthday is coming up soon, and what I want this year is, funny enough, 10 euros per week. 

This amounts to exactly 58,80 euros, minus the 10 I was going to send you initially, so it's 48,80 but I feel this should be rounded up to make things easier, so please send 50 euros every week for the next 564 weeks and we'll be even. 

You can use bank transfer, or the donate button on my website which uses paypal for your convenience. 

Thanks. 

Have a nice weekend, 

Me 

P.S. don't forget to send me the invoices.

Letters to Rachel #4

from: Me
to: Rachel
date: Tue, May 24, 2011 at 2:44 PM
subject: Business Idea

Dear Rachel,

This one's a winner, so I'll give you some background first to get you itching in your chair. 

I just went downstairs, and sat in the sun. It was so bright that it hurt my eyes, which got me thinking about the pirates and how they would keep one eye covered with a patch so they could switch it over when going below deck, keeping one eye always used to the dark, and the other used to the light… 

So I pretended I was a pirate and tried to roll a cigarette with one eye closed. This is not as easy as it may seem due to the lack of depth perception. I also found myself blinking more often that usual, and that's when it hit me: When we blink, we always use both eyes. I did some research and some math on this. Apparently we blink between 10 and 15 times per minute, and each blink takes about 100 milliseconds. When added up, this means we have our eyes closed for about 1 second every minute, or 60 seconds per hour, and, assuming we're asleep for 8 hours a day, during the 16 hours we're awake, we close our eyes for a total of 16 minutes. This adds up to 97 plus hours per year, that's almost 324 whole days in a lifetime! 

The business plan is to teach people how to blink alternately, with one eye at a time, thus always keeping the other open and saving 97 hours per year, while perfecting the human body. I figure that after 5 generations of doing this, the mono-blinking scheme will be embedded into our dan. How about that, huh? Imagine what you can do with that time! 

We need to brainstorm a cool name, something like "Power Blinking". 

Come home early today so we can do some tests on the subject. You will be patient Zero! 

Love, 

Me

Letters to Rachel #3

from: Me
to: Rachel
date: Sun, May 22, 2011 at 12:21 AM
subject: Tibet

Dear Rachel, 

Since you've been gone for almost a week now, I've closed up the house, packed all my bags and moved in with the monks in a Tibetan Mountain Convent. It's nice and quiet here, with a lovely view and no internet. I'm writing this letter with a piece of charcoal on a wall, like everyone else does around here, and later this month, a special Tibetan courier will come and transcribe all these messages onto normal paper to send off to their processing unit, where they will re-transcribe everything onto a computer and finally send it to the designated email addresses. 

The food sucks, but everything else is cool, and I get to wear a nice orange sheet all day. Sometimes the other guys smile at me. I think they want to be my friends, which is nice. They shaved off my hair and make me sit down in silence before dinner, praying. But I don't really do it, I just pretend I'm praying while in my head I'm trying to remember the lyrics to every meatloaf song without getting them mixed up. 

The mule ride up here was kind of bumpy and I'm still a bit sore from the saddle, but I'm learning so much here that it was definitely worth it. They tell me I can be a master with the bow and arrow in less than 25 years, so that's something to look forward to. 

They have given me some daily chores, as a way to keep busy. I have to get up very early, meditate for 5 hours and then have lunch. I meditate by siting on the floor and thinking about how Max and the cats are getting along, but I'm sure they're fine. I left them all at the bus stop and gave them 20 Eur each so they could buy something nice to eat. I also left them my mobile phone, so If you want to talk to any of them, just call me. 

Hope you're having a lovely time in england. 

Love, 

Me, the Tibetans & Rusty the Mule.

Letters to Rachel #2

from: Me
to: Rachel
date: Wed, May 20, 2011 at 2:28 PM
subject: Good News!

Dear Rachel,

You seem to have failed to answer my previous email. After careful consideration, I'm inclined to attribute this lack of response to the fact that I didn't exactly give you any good new, so I'm sending you this addendum to patch things up: 

Good News! Please let me know when you're arriving so I can pick you up and get rid of the 5 asian kids I have living in the bedroom cupboard (Ling, Sing, Bing, Ming and Mr. Miyagi). I managed to get quite a fair deal on them from the owner of the indian restaurant down the road (10 Eur each!), he has his very own prostitution network, so this way we won't lose any sleep at night knowing the kids will be looked after by a responsible entrepreneur. 

More good news: I have finished the construction work I set out to do just before you left. It mainly involved reducing the size of the kitchen, living room and bedroom, while gracefully expanding my office as much as possible. I can't really say it went according to plan, 'cause that last wall should have been stronger. I don't know what went wrong, as I followed the instructions from buildyourownhome.com thoroughly. Anyway, to keep things on an even keel, I decided to remove all walls and create just one nice open space. The bathroom had to go, but I left a bucket outside, should the need arise. The kitchen was also sacrificed but we have a direct line to the indian restaurant. Apparently after selling him the kids, we get 5% off all orders, so there will be no more cooking for us. 

Even more good news: Remember The nice big LCD TV I bought for you last year? I have taken it back. I spent some time watching it before deciding, and came to the conclusion that there's nothing on TV that can possible do you any good, so instead, you're getting a rubrics cube that will, no doubt, bring you hours of fun and also exercise both our brains. By this time next year we'll be freakin' geniuses. 

Love, 

Me, Max, Misty, Stinky, Ling, Sing, Bing, Ming and Mr. Miyagi 

 
P.S. I smashed your car down the road, but fortunately missed the indian restaurant. I didn't want to get into trouble with the police so I just abandoned the scene. I expect you'll be getting a phone call about that. (airbag worked quite well) 

 

Letters to Rachel #1

from: Me
to: Rachel
date: Wed, May 18, 2011 at 9:13 PM
subject Re: hey!

Dear Rachel,

The cockroaches are getting bigger and stronger, and I estimate some are now roughly the size of chicken eggs. They seem to double their numbers every day, and there's one in particular, that I swear, looks me straight in the eyes and hints threats with her body language. Sometimes I'm sure they know what I'm thinking. I fear for my life so I've been sleeping rolled up in a corner with a flashlight and a large Sausage. Should an attack occur, I plan to rapidly switch the light on and off, mimicking the effects of lightning while throwing large chunks of the sausage at high speed into the hallway. Cockroaches love a good chase, and I believe they have enough imagination to pretend the sausage projectiles are small live rabbits that they can hunt down, while I quietly sneak out. Hope it doesn't come to that. 

The sewer rat that climbs up through the toilet has pretty much left me alone these last 3 days, constraining his activities to just the living room. I think it's nesting inside the sofa so its siblings must be moving in any day now. Soon we'll have little rat babies. I'm looking forward to that on account that I've been told they're quite good when grilled with cheese. 

When you get back, take care not to touch the live copper wire I have laid out around the house or you'll get a 10,000 volt electrical current flowing through your body. I know it sounds a bit drastic, but as long as we don't touch it and the cats keep their distance, everything should be fine. It's meant to keep the Jehovah Witnesses out, as I have been receiving indecent proposals from a couple of them. 

Also, I hacked you finance.gov account, by brute-force guessing your password and changed your IRS statement. Basically I declared very large amounts of medical expenses and charity donations. Hope you don't get caught, but if you do, please take some comfort in knowing that it was not only fun, but also a challenge, and you know how much I like challenges. 

Must go and cook dinner now, tonight we're having toilet rolls (double leaf) dipped in warm vinegar. 

Love, 

Me, Max, Misty & Stinky.