February 23, 2016

Buying socks - Who’s taking their job seriously?

Both these conversations are from my personal experience of buying winter socks in both Portugal and The Netherlands. On both occasions I was in the same shop (Decathlon).


[Me]: ‘Hi, do you speak english?

[Assistant]: ‘Yes, of course! Hello.

[Me]: ‘I need some warm winter socks.

[Assistant]: ‘For normal use or for a particular sport?

[Me]: ‘Mainly for walking my dog.

[Assistant]: ‘Very well. How long are your walks?

[Me]: ‘About 10km per day...

[Assistant]: ‘Do you walk in the city or the countryside?

[Me]: ‘Mostly in the forest.

[Assistant]: ’At what time of day?

[Me]: ‘Does it make a difference?

[Assistant]: ‘Yes it does, if you walk early in the morning or late at night, it’s colder than during the day...

[Me]: ‘Good point. Afternoons and at night.

[Assistant]: ‘And what type of shoes do you wear?

[Me]: ’This kind of stuff’ (I show him the hiking boots I’m wearing)

[Assistant]: ‘Do you have a colour preference?

[Me]: ‘Not really.

[Assistant]: ‘Very well. For your case I would recommend these...’ (takes a pair from the shelf)

(before I could ask why, he goes on...)

[Assistant]: ’These are made from smartwool, which comes from New Zealand. It’s the same wool that’s used in Ugg Boots. It’s a special kind of natural wool that does not make your feet itch or feel uncomfortable, and they are made with thousands of fibres that contain little air bubbles, so they actually regulate the temperature of your feet. The air bubbles also allow your feet to breathe so they don’t get smelly, and at the same time they prevent moisture. They are very warm - mountain climbers use them - and are best suited to be worn with trekking boots like yours, because they are quite thick and don’t fit well into normal shoes. They are padded around the toes for extra warmth, and also around the heel to prevent them from wearing too fast. They are also quite long, so you can pull them up and keep your leg warm, and they have a special elastic that will prevent them from dropping down, but that's not too tight so it won’t feel uncomfortable. They’re a bit expensive, but once you try them you will never want anything else...

(I thank him and buy two pairs)


[Me]: ‘Excuse me, I’d like to know the difference between these socks and these’ (I point both of them out to the shop assistant)

[Assistant]: (puts on a slightly daft and clueless face) ’Well, these are red, and those are black.

[Me]: ‘Yes, thank you, but the red ones are 14 Euros and the black ones are 12,50. I’d like to know the difference between them...

[Assistant]: (thinks a bit) ‘The difference is 1,50 Euros...

[Me]: ‘I can see that, I mean what makes the red ones be more expensive?

[Assistant]: ‘It’s the price, it’s higher.

[Me]: ‘Yes, but why? They’re the same brand, the only difference seems to be the color, so how come the black ones are cheaper?

[Assistant]: ‘Because it’s a different color.

[Me]: (giving up and turning away) ‘Okay, thank you...

[Assistant]: ‘Is there anything else I can help you with?

(I just wander off without buying anything)

February 19, 2016

Fixing Bella's dogs...

[Bella's dogs have been fighting lately, so it's hard to get them to eat together]

from:My Email thecatcanblog@gmail.com
to:Bella's Email <bellasemail@gmail.com>
date:Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 12:07 PM


from:Bella's Email bellasemail@gmail.com
to:My Email <thecatcanblog@gmail.com>
date:Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 12:45 PM
subject:Re: dogs

Major progress indeed. Made my day.

from:My Email thecatcanblog@gmail.com
to:Bella's Email <bellasemail@gmail.com>
date:Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 1:11 PM
subject:Re: re: dogs

It’s the Ukrainian, you see…. He’s quite good with dogs. I gave him your keys and told him he could move in with his family. I don’t think he quite understood me, because I was expecting just him, his wife and his daughter, but apparently the parents (on both sides) and the cousins and a few other relatives are also staying there. They’ve divided themselves between the two houses because half of them are from southern Ukraine and the other half from the north, and they like to keep it that way. Second house required breaking down the front door, but you knew that already…
I went round today to check on the dogs and there was this huge party going on…North and south together in harmony like Paul McCartney’s keyboard. They have built a lovely barbecue outside, and were roasting pork chops for everyone, including the dogs... Couldn’t find Piggy.
Bart (not to be confused with 'bark') and Lumpi (not limpy) already respond to Ukrainian like it’s their first language. They sit quietly together watching the chops for hours.
I tried to explain to Olieg and Swetlana that you need the house on weekends… He said something like ‘Yes Perfect, no problem, I need too…’ and she just smiles (between us, I don’t think she understands english). Anyway, I guess that’s fine.
They have plans to dig a tunnel between both houses to run a little train back and forth with M&M’s. First idea was just to use a slingshot, but the first M&M (damn those things are hard!) went straight through the window, smashing the glass, so tunnel & train it is.
I told them you would probably come tomorrow and they said ’She bring vodka’… Not sure if it was a request or a question… Better bring a crate or two (or ten) just in case, but that’s on you, as you know I don’t drink alcohol.
 On Sunday there’s going to be some sort of special annual orthodox church party for all Ukrainians living in Portugal. I’m helping them with designing the flyers and the online campaign. Don’t worry, the visitors will only use the house for basic necessities, and will set up tents throughout the land. They’ll be gone before the end of next month.
Oh and they have a really nice cat with only one eye and 3 legs, named Chernobyl…

If you’re going to bring chocolate, please make sure it’s enough for 187 people… And toilet paper… Lots of it.

from:Bella's Email bellasemail@gmail.com
to:My Email <thecatcanblog@gmail.com>
date:Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 4:54 PM
subject:Re: re: re: dogs

Im getting weird looks here at work. People are wondering why Im giggling stupidly. Perhaps I wont be laughing when I arrive tmw..
send me a flyer and save me some M and Ms please..

from:My Email thecatcanblog@gmail.com
to:Bella's Email <bellasemail@gmail.com>
date:Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 7:13 PM
subject:Re: re: re: re: dogs

February 17, 2016

Steve: The First of The Mohicans

Phone rings. Marc doesn’t answer... A few minutes later he calls back:

[Marc]: ‘You called?... Wassup?’

[Steve]: ‘Hey Marc! I’m starting a new tribe.’

[Marc]: ‘What?’

[Steve]: ‘I was Just calling to ask if you wanna be part of it...’

[Marc]: ‘You mean, like a member?’

[Steve]: ‘Yeah!’

[Marc]: ‘Of a tribe?’

[Steve]: ‘Yep!’

[Marc]: ‘What’s the catch? Do I have to pay?’

[Steve]: ‘No man, you're good. It's free.’

[Marc]: ‘Then what do I have to do?’

[Steve]: ‘Nothing much, just be one of us... Well one of me, 'cause I'm the first.’

[Marc]: ‘So I just say yes, and that's it, i'm in the tribe?’

[Steve]: ‘Sure!’

[Marc]: ‘...and then what?’

[Steve]: ‘Nothing much, we'll get some more members and do some tribal things.’

[Marc]: ‘Like what?’

[Steve]: ‘I dunno. Eat and drink and dance and shit...’

[Marc]: ‘What's the point of that?’

[Steve]: ‘What's the point of any tribe? We'll be like a cool gang or something.’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah, but what for?’

[Steve]: ‘So that others know who we are...’

[Marc]: ‘Not sure I get it...’

[Steve]: ‘You never wanted to be part of a tribe?’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah, but like...when I was 7...’

[Steve]: ‘It’ll be fun!’

[Marc]: ‘What's the tribe called?’

[Steve]: ‘The Motchicans!’

[Marc]: ‘The Mexicans?’

[Steve]: ‘No, no! The Motchicans... MO-TCHI-CANS.’

[Marc]: ‘Dude, it sounds like The Mexicans.’

[Steve]: ‘But it's not.’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah but people won't know that. They'll just call us the Mexicans.’

[Steve]: ‘Motchicans!’

[Marc]: ‘Also sounds a bit like something-Chickens... More-Chickens...’

[Steve]: ‘Look man, we can have a meeting about that later, right now I just need to know if you're in or not. Got a lot more phone calls to make...’

[Marc]: ‘I'm not sure... You're asking me to be part of a tribe that doesn't exist and doesn't even have a decent name.’

[Steve]: ‘I does exist. I am The First of the Motchicans!’

[Marc]: ‘Hang on, got another call coming in.’


[Marc]: ‘Hey Dave, how's it going?’

[Dave]: ‘All good here... Listen... Have you spoken to Steve lately?’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah, he's on the other line.’

[Dave]: ‘Did he tell you about his new tribe?’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah, what's up with that? He wants me to join...’

[Dave]: ‘Yeah, he asked me the same thing.’

[Marc]: ‘And what did you say?’

[Dave]: ‘I said it sounded like The Mexicans...’

[Marc]: ‘Lol, that’s what I said.’

[Dave]: ‘He's lost it man.’

[Marc]: ‘What did you tell him?’

[Dave]: ‘Said I'd think about it... Didn't want to hurt his feelings, y’know.’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah, I get that... I’m gonna say the same thing... Hang on... He’s on the other line.’


[Marc]: ‘Yo Steve!’

[Steve]: ‘Yeah?’

[Marc]: ‘Can I think about it?’

[Steve]: ‘C'mon man, that's what Dave said... What is there to think about?’

[Marc]: ‘I dunno, I just have so much going on right now, not sure I have time to be in a tribe.’

[Steve]: ‘Awww dude! Don't leave me hanging here. Just say yes, we'll sort it out later.’

[Marc]: ‘Okay, fuck it, I'm in.’

[Steve]: ‘Cool man. Thanks!’

[Marc]: ‘So what now?’

[Steve]: ‘Well, now you're a Motchican!’

[Marc]: ‘Ok, cool... er... thanks, I guess. Listen, I got another call waiting... Talk later.’

[Steve]: ‘Ok, see ya.’


[Marc]: ‘Dave?’

[Dave]: ‘Yep.’

[Marc]: ‘Fuck, I said yes man, don’t know why... He sounded sad...’

[Dave]: ‘Ha ha ha... Fuck man, so you're a Motchican now?’

[Marc]: ‘Apparently.’

[Dave]: ‘You guys crack me up...’

[Marc]: ‘Oh C'mon, you gotta join now, don't leave me alone on this.’

[Dave]: ‘You're not alone, you've got Steve, The very first of the Motchicans...’ (bursts into laughter)

[Marc]: ‘Hey, you owe me man. For pulling you out of the river the other day.’

[Dave]: ‘Ok dude, I'm just playing with ya. I'll call Steve and tell him I'm joining too.’

[Marc]: ‘Thanks man. I was getting worried.’

[Dave]: ‘Catch ya later Motchican!’

[Marc]: ‘Lol. Laterzzz!’


[Dave]: ‘Yo Stevie! That offer to join the tribe still open?’

[Steve]: ‘Sure Dave.’

[Dave]: ‘Count me in then.’

[Steve]: ‘Coolness dude! You're the Third of the Motchicans!’

[Dave]: ‘Not sure I'm too proud of that.’

[Steve]: ‘It'll be fun dude, you'll see.’

[Dave]: ‘Yeah, we'll see about that. Hey, did mark mention a name change?’

[Steve]: ‘Yeah... Don't know what you guys have against The Motchicans.’

[Dave]: ‘It's just not a good one man... Too ambiguous, I dunno...’

[Steve]: ‘Got any better suggestions?’

[Dave]: ‘What does it even mean?’

[Steve]: ‘What Motchican?’

[Dave]: ‘Yeah.’

[Steve]: ‘Nothing, I just thought it was a nice name.’

[Dave]: ‘So we can change it then?’

[Steve]: ‘I suppose so...’

[Dave]: ‘Ok, what other tribes are in this area?’

[Steve]: ‘I dunno...’

[Dave]: ‘What if there's already a tribe called the Motchicans?’

[Steve]: ‘I don't think there is.’

[Dave]: ‘How do you know if you don't know any of the other tribes?’

[Steve]: ‘Well, I can’t be sure, but it’s unlikely... I made that name up.’

[Dave]: ‘Better to be sure, no?’

[Steve]: ‘I suppose you’re right. I’ll check around.’

[Dave]: ‘Okay. Call me back when you know something.’

[Steve]: ‘Will do.’


[Dave]: ‘Marc, it’s me again... I’m in.’

[Marc]: ‘Thanks man.’

[Dave]: ‘No problem.’

[Marc]: ‘So what’s he up to now?’

[Dave]: ’Trying to find out if the name’s already taken.’

[Marc]: ‘Thought we were changing the name...’

[Dave]: ‘Yeah, I tried. Not sure... he really likes it...’

[Marc]: ‘What if we change it to something that sort of sounds the same?’

[Dave]: ‘Yeah, maybe... Got any suggestions?’

[Marc]: ‘I dunno... The Mosicans? Molicans?’

[Dave]: ‘Anything man... doesn’t matter...’

[Marc]: ‘The Mojicans?’

[Dave]: ‘Mowicans?’

[Marc]: ‘Mohicans?’

[Dave]: ‘Lol... They all sound the same...’

[Marc]: ‘Just pick one then...’

[Dave]: ‘Okay, the last one.’

[Marc]: ‘Done! I’m gonna call Steve!’

[Dave]: ‘Ok dude!’


[Marc]: ‘Hey... Steve?’

[Steve]: ‘Yeah?’

[Marc]: ‘It’s Marc again...’

[Steve]: ‘Hi.’

[Marc]: ‘How about The Mohicans?’

[Steve]: ‘What, with an h?’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah...’

[Steve]: ‘I like it... Sounds tribal.’

[Marc]: ‘Yeah, it does a bit...’

[Steve]: ‘Okay, we’ll go with that!... The First of The Mohicans!’

[Marc]: ‘Okay dude. Chill. Gotta go!’

[Steve]: ‘What about... Marc?... Are you there?... Marc?...’

February 16, 2016

The un-sinking of the Titanic

The main problem with that movie, if you ignore all the other problems, is that you know exactly what’s going to happen in the end. Also, there was no need for a 4-hour-long story. It could all be explained in two minutes: “Big boat sails off, big boat hits iceberg. Big boat sinks. Girl with big diamond survives, boyfriend sinks too.”. See? Easy! So I’m proposing an alternate story, where the boat sinks at the beginning... And I’m calling it ‘The un-sinking of the Titanic’, so you think it will rise again. But then you think ‘Hey, that’s really not possible, the boat broke in half’... So now you think it just won’t happen, but the title says it will... And that really bugs you, because you have faith that maybe, just maybe, it is possible, in some sort of technological or alien way... So now you HAVE to read this story to find out.

So the story starts with Jack and Rose making out and then sinking. Rose gets on a raft while Jack freezes his balls off in the water. Rose doesn’t really care too much because the sex wasn’t that great. Jack wonders if there are sharks in the water. Nobody considers climbing onto the massive iceberg that caused all the commotion. In fact, nobody knows where the iceberg went. When they look around, the sea is flat and not a single iceberg in sight. Jack thinks ‘Damn! that was unlucky’... It’s like driving through a desert and managing to hit the only palm tree in existence. But what’s done is done, and the Titanic is now reconfigured into two semi-titanic submarines with leakage problems. Jack lets go of Rose’s raft and swims around for a while, happy to get a break from her, since she’s not being that much fun anymore and she’s turning blue, so not even pretty.
He plays around in the water, gets a Chinese guy to snap a few picture for his Facebook page and then has an idea: He would build his own raft! ‘Fuck Rose and her blue face!’. So he gathers 150 lifejackets from the dead passengers that are floating around, and builds himself a nice warm mansion-raft (Note from author: Hard to believe nobody thought of this).

Suddenly Rose is all like ‘is there room for me’ and shit, but Jack isn’t having it. So Rose tells him she still has a huge freakin’ diamond in her pocket. Jack is like ‘throw that shit over, and then I’ll let you on board’, but Rose is mean, bitter and distrustful, so she says ‘let me climb on first, then we can cuddle and stuff, and you get the stone’. Jack  doesn’t give a rat’s ass about cuddling anymore, but he figures he can let her on, grab the stone then push her off again... She climbs on:

[Jack]: ‘Okay, let’s see it...
[Rose]: ‘See what?
[Jack]: ‘The diamond, of course.
[Rose]: ‘You said we would cuddle first.
[Jack]: ‘Never said that.
[Rose]: ‘Yes you did. We had an agreement.
[Jack]: ‘What if I don’t feel like cuddling right now?
[Rose]: ‘But you said...
[Jack]: ‘No I didn’t, you said it... I never agreed to anything.
[Rose]: ‘But you let me climb on board...
[Jack]: ‘Doesn’t mean I want to cuddle.
[Rose]: ‘Why? What’s wrong?
[Jack]: ‘Nothing’s wrong, I just don’t feel like it.
[Rose]: ‘Don’t you love me anymore?
[Jack]: ‘It’s not that... I... I just have a headache... You know... From the cold...
[Rose]: ‘We don’t need to have sex, it’s just cuddling...

Meanwhile, in the water, other survivors see Jack’s floating mansion, and it looks really nice and warm and cosy, so they all paddle over and try to climb on. Now jack is having an argument about cuddling with Rose while checking the survivors for a new girl that isn’t as argumentative as Rose, but the hypothermia makes everyone look the same. They’re also all a bit too needy and desperate so Jack figures Rose might be his best bet.

[Jack]: ‘Okay, we can cuddle.
[Rose]: ‘Maybe now I don’t want to...
[Jack]: ‘Why not?
[Rose]: ‘I’m not so cold anymore.
[Jack]: ‘That’s fine, just give me the diamond then.
[Rose]: ‘What if I want to cuddle later?
[Jack]: ‘Later when?
[Rose]: ‘I don’t know, in half an hour, maybe...
[Jack]: ‘What if I have another headache in half an hour?
[Rose]: ‘Well, you have a headache now and you’re willing to cuddle...
[Jack]: ‘Look, do you want to cuddle or not?
[Rose]: ‘Now or in half an hour?
[Jack]: ’Now.
[Rose]: ‘No Thank you.

At this point, the Titanic had just hit the bottom of the ocean. A few fish and crabs went in to check it out... Up on the top, Captain Smith found his way on to Jack’s raft:

[Captain Smith]: ‘Am I interrupting?
[Jack]: ‘No, I think we’re done here...
[Rose]: ‘We’re not done.
[Captain Smith]: ’Should I come back later?
[Jack]: ’No.
[Rose]: ‘Yes.
[Jack]: ‘Don’t mind her.
[Captain Smith]: ‘Awfully sorry. It’s just that I have an idea.
[Jack]: ‘Idea for what?
[Rose]: ‘Idea for what?
[Jack]: ‘Please don’t repeat what I say.
[Rose]: ‘Fine. I won’t repeat what you say.
[Captain Smith]: ‘For saving the Titanic...
[Rose]: ‘What?
[Jack]: ‘What?’ (almost at the same time)
[Captain Smith]: ‘I rem...
[Rose]: (interrupting) ’Please don’t repeat what I say!
[Jack]: (rolling his eyes) ’Go on, Captain...
[Rose]: ‘Yes, please go on.
(Jack gives Rose the stink-eye)
[Captain Smith]: ‘Well, you see... I remembered something that might help save the Titanic...
[Jack]: ’How can I help?
[Rose]: ‘Always trying to be a hero... Let the man speak first Jack!
[Jack]: ‘Rose, you are beginning to seriously piss me off.
[Rose]: ‘You started it.
[Jack]: ‘No, YOU did!
[Rose]: (being very arrogant and sure of herself) ‘Really? How?
[Captain Smith]: ‘Guys... A way to save the Titanic...?
[Jack]: ‘By not letting me on your raft.
[Rose]: ‘There was no room for two...
[Jack]: ‘You never even offered.
[Rose]: ‘It just wasn’t possible.
[Jack]: ‘Still... would have been nice of you to offer...
[Captain Smith]: ‘...so I remembered that there’s a special button in the engine room...
[Rose]: ‘Did YOU offer for me to come on THIS raft?
[Jack]: ‘This was after you hadn’t offered... besides, you had your own raft.
[Rose]: (being sarcastic) ’Would have been nice of you to offer!
[Captain Smith]: ‘...that opens up all the valves on the oxygen tanks...
[Jack]: ‘Rose, you are THIS close... THIS close Rose!

By this time, almost 50 other people were on board Jack’s raft. None of them said a word. They were just standing around in a circle, listening to the discussion that was going on... A little kid shakes his mother’s arm and asks her:

[Kid]: ‘Mummy? Should Jack cuddle Rose?
[Mother]: ‘It’s not that simple, dear.
[Kid]: ‘Why not, mummy?
[Mother]: ‘Because Jack is right. Rose was a bitch.
[Kid]: ‘What’s a bitch, mummy?
[Mother]: ‘It’s a female dog...
[Kid]: ‘Rose was a dog?
[Mother]: ‘It also means she was being silly...
[Kid]: ’She was a silly dog?
[Mother]: ‘No, she was just silly.
[Kid]: ‘But you said...
[Mother]: ‘Oh shut up and let me listen...

[Captain Smith]: ’...so you see, if we could just manage to do that, we could still save the Titanic!
[Jack]: ‘My goodness, you’re right! That might just work.

[Mother]: (looking angrily at her son) ‘See? Now I don’t know what they said!

[Rose]: ‘But how do we do it?
[Captain Smith]: ’Someone has to go down there...
(everyone looks at Jack)
[Jack]: ‘You have to be kidding me...
[Captain Smith]: ‘I’m afraid not.
[Jack]: ‘Why me?’ (looking around at everybody else)
[Rose]: ‘Because you’re the hero of this story...
[Jack]: ‘I don’t want to be the hero anymore.
[Rose]: ‘Oh, it was fine when you were humping me, but now it isn’t so appealing?
[Jack]: ‘C’mon Rose, be reasonable... No one can survive that.
[Captain Smith]: ‘Maybe there’s another way...

Everyone had turned their backs and were pretending to mingle, in fear that they would be picked to go down there... Everyone except the little boy.

[Kid]: ‘Mummy... Why doesn’t Jack want to go down there?
[Mother]: ‘Because it’s dangerous.
[Kid]: ‘Why?
[Mother]: ‘Because the water is cold... and dark... and the Titanic is very deep down...
[Kid]: ‘Why?
[Mother]: ‘Because it sank all the way to the bottom of the ocean...

[Captain Smith]: ‘...and this way is easier...
[Jack]: ‘I’m still not doing it...
[Rose]: ‘We’ll all die if you don’t...
[Jack]: ‘We’ll also die if YOU don’t...
[Rose]: ‘Surely you can’t expect ME to go?
[Captain Smith]: ‘I’ll go then!
[Rose]: ’No Captain! You shouldn’t. You are too old to make that dive. Jack should go.
[Jack]: ‘See Captain? She’s just trying to get rid of me.
[Captain Smith]: ‘I don’t think that’s the case Jack.
[Jack]: ‘Oh I bet it is.
[Rose]: ‘A few minutes ago you wanted to cuddle me, now you won’t save my life?
[Jack]: ‘Look, I never wanted to cuddle you! I just said that because you wanted to.
[Rose]: ‘I should have known... And I gave you my virginity...
[Jack]: ‘Yeah, big mistake. Wasn’t worth the calories...
[Rose]: ‘You’re a bastard!
[Jack]: ‘Bite me!
[Rose]: ‘Okay, I’ll give you the diamond if you go down there!
[Jack]: ‘Give it to me now, in case I don’t survive.
[Rose]: ‘What good is the diamond to you if you don’t survive?
[Jack]: ‘Just the pleasure of knowing you don’t get to keep it after I kill myself trying to save you...
[Rose]: ‘Now who’s not being reasonable?
[Jack]: ‘Okay, have it your way! Whoever has the diamond gets to go down there!
[Rose]: ‘Oh that’s not fair!
[Jack]: ’Sure it is.

[Stranger in crowd]: ‘I’ll go!
[Rose]: ‘See Jack? there are still decent people on this raft!
[Stranger in crowd]: ‘But I want the diamond...
[Rose]: ’Sure! Here you go.’ (hands diamond over to stranger)
[Jack]: ‘What the fuck Rose!
[Rose]: ‘Oh Hush!
[Jack]: ‘Bitch!

[kid]: ‘Mommy, Jack just called Rose a...
[Mother]: (interrupting) ‘Yes, I heard...

[Jack]: ‘Fuck this shit!’ (dives off raft, swims a few meters away and climbs onto Rose's old raft)
[Rose]: (yelling) ’That’s right you coward! Swim away!

Stranger in crowd puts the diamond in his pocket and dives into the water. Comes back up a few seconds later:

[Stranger]: ‘Can’t reach it. it’s too deep... Oh well... I tried...’ (then turns to Jack and shouts) ‘Hey Jack! Half the diamond for a spot on your raft!
[Jack]: ‘Deal!

Stranger swims over, climbs on board, and they paddle away.


The End.

C'mon, you didn't really think the Titanic was going to rise again... Did you?

February 13, 2016

The definite guide on decent wooing:

Learn photography. This is an important step, since you'll need to take some photos to capture the heart of your loved one. Also, you should learn photoshop so you can edit your photos properly. Maybe you should also make sure you finished at least high school, because there's really nothing worse than trying to woo a girl with spelling mistakes. Then talk to that girl, and find out what she likes. If she says she likes mustard, make a mental note of that. If you have a bad memory, write it down. If you have a problem with your hands, get someone else to write it down for you. Then wait for Valentine's Day (this can take a while, depending on the gregorian calendar). Then tell her you will find her a heart-shaped mushroom. then get a dog so you can go out and walk the dog. While walking the dog, find a heart-shaped mushroom, even if it takes all day. Take a photo of the mushroom. Add some kind words to the photo and send it to her. Whatever you do, never (I mean NEVER) send her a google maps link... Now sit back and wait. When she sees the mushroom, she will say things like 'awwww' and 'wow' and 'best gift EVER'... Congratulations! You have successfully managed to woo someone.
Please subscribe for the next online course: How to peel a banana like a Chimp.

The Story of Neel and a boat

Neel should meet Miss PT
They could stand and stare at each other... And sneeze.
Then Miss PT would say "Bless you!"....
and Neel would say nothing... he would just keep staring
and 10 minutes later, Miss PT would say: "Feeling better?"
but Neel would only nod his head slightly...
another 10 minutes later, Miss PT would say: "Good".
and then she would pause again...
before saying "I'm glad"
Neel would retire before the conversation got to an end.
They would be happy.
Nothing in the world could ruin their joy.
They would buy a rubber boat with Neel's retirement money...
and they would go to the pond... Miss PT would sit inside the boat, and Neel would push her around in the water.
It would be soooo romantic.
Then she would play with him in a loving way, by splashing some water on him with her hand and then giggling.
Neel would giggle back while internally he would think to himself "What a bitch... I'm already standing here with water up to my balls, pushing this stupid boat around, and she splashes me?"
and so Neel would go to bed that night, dreaming of a plan to murder Miss PT...
He would take a pin with him next time they went out boating in the pond...
and he would punch a tiny hole in the boat...
then he would push her into the deep end...
She would go under... Like the Titanic, except there would be no iceberg... because there are no icebergs in ponds...
and she would try to swim, but Neel would jump on her head and push her down...
She would try sticking her finger up his nose, but Neel would only sneeze... He would not let go!
Then she would realise the water is only knee deep, and she would stand up...
She would slap Neel in the face...
Neel would cry...
Miss PT would cry too....
Then they would look into each others eyes...
and hug...
And the next day they would buy some patches and glue, and they would fix the rubber boat.
Miss PT would never splash Neel again.
But maybe they would have a sexy pillow fight before going to bed.
The pillows would burst, like in the movies, and there would be feathers flying all over the place... In slow motion because it makes things look better and more fun.
Miss PT would have to vacuum the bedroom in the morning and clean up that shit.
Neel would sleep and complain about the noise from the hoover.
He would say "God dammit Woman!"
and other things like that...
And the next night, he would dream of another way to murder her.
[ The End ]
[ Dramatic music plays as scene fades out ]
Later their story would be bought by the guys who do the Twilight Zone, and they would make a movie with better looking actors.
But the movie would not be a big hit, because Sylvester Stallone isn't in it.
Neither was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Also, the movie did not have any explosions, so people were not happy with that.
20 years later, Steven Spielberg would do another movie based on the same story, but it would be set in space and would be for kids.
That one would be a huge success.
And Steven would be happy.

John Mellencamp's weird-shaped head

Nobody ever noticed this? Freaky!

May 30, 2011

Genius wants to buy my old computer

Background info: I was selling a computer through an online ad, and after almost a month of getting silly comments and questions, I finally lost it and decided to take it all out on this guy:

Here's the ad followed by emails we exchanged:

Macintosh Dual G5 1.8 PPC with Two Mirai 22" LCD Monitors (1680x1050px) and two printers (HP Deskjet D2460 and Samsung Laser Black & white A4).

Primary HDD: Original 80 Gbytes, Secondary HDD: Sata 200 Gbytes, Keyboard, Mighty Mouse, OS X 10.5.8

System Profiler Info: Model Name: Power Mac G5, Model Identifier: PowerMac7,3, Processor Name: PowerPC G5 (2.2), Processor Speed: 1.8 GHz, Number Of CPUs: 2, L2 Cache (per CPU): 512 KB, Memory: 3 GB, Bus Speed: 900 MHz, ATI Radeon 9600 XT.

500 Euros (Non Negotiable)

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 5:25 PM
subject: Interest in ad

Hello [My Name]!
Nuno Castro has sent you the following message:

I'll give you 200 Euros for the Mac tower.

Thank You
Nuno Castro

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 5:41 PM
subject: Re: Interest in ad

Hello Nuno,

Thank you for your kind offer. I will certainly consider it for the next 30 seconds.

I'm counter-proposing several different packets that comply with the part of my original ad that reads "Non Negotiable".

a) 200 Eur for the tower + 300 Eur for everything else.
b) 10 Eur for the tower + 490 Eur for everything else.
c) 20 Eur for each monitor, 60 for the laser printer, 100 for inkjet printer and 300 for the tower.
d) everything for 10 Eur plus a 490 Eur fee for having to waste time with absurd offers.



from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 5:59 PM
subject: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Won't you sell it for 200 Eur?

Thank You
Nuno Castro

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Fri, May 20, 2011 at 7:16 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Hello Nuno,

Thank you for proposing the exact same thing twice. It's always better that way, just in case I misunderstood you the first time.
Of course I'll sell the tower for 200 Eur! All prices are negotiable providing the final sum of all 5 products remains the same. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote Non Negotiable.

I've attached a graphical version of my counter-proposal. As you can see, the tower is now 200 Eur.
Hope we can do business soon.

Kind Regards,


from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 2:37 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

More or less how much is the postage? Because I'm from Porto.

Nuno Castro

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 2:50 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Good Afternoon,

Thank you for contacting me again. I would like to adequately answer your question but I need to know if you're referring to postage for just the tower or the whole package.

Kind Regards,


from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 3:18 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Just the tower? The tower's price isn't negotiable. is it really 200 Eur.?

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 3:36 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Good Afternoon,

Thank you again for your email, it's always a pleasure to do online business of this nature.

I was thinking of quitting my job and trying my luck at the nearest post office, that way I would have better insight to answer questions about postage fees, but, because the country is going through a crisis, I feel quitting my current job is a somewhat risky maneuver. However if I did work at the post office, and i wanted to transport a computer from Lisbon to Porto I would charge two distinct fees, one for sunny days and one for rainy days. Assuming the transport would be in non-waterproof cardboard boxes, and if these got wet, that would make them heavier, therefor the postage would be greater, but only for the second half of the journey, because the boxes would be dry at the start, unless the client requested a pre-wetting.

One day tele-transportation will be possible for this type of thing, but I also cannot estimate what would be the cost involved. Do you think the prices will still be calculated based on size and weight, or rather based on density and molecule count? I hope I live long enough to see those days.

As I have stated several times, both in the form of text and images, in my previous emails, the tower is 200 Eur. or 10 or 300, depending on the bundle you choose, the bundle price however remains unaltered.

Regarding the transport, it is also a flexible situation. I can send just the tower and then you can come down and pick up the rest, I can send everything, you can ask a friend to come and get it, or, if you own another computer, I can turn it on and you can work remotely and even enjoy the dual monitor capabilities (depending on which remote control software you use).

Kind Regards,


from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 3:58 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

So the tower is 200 Eur?

I just didn't get how much the postage fees for the tower are.

The remote control application I have is teamviewer. We can try to connect so I can see it working.

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 4:31 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Dear Nuno,

I've noticed you use the nickname "Strokes", that in English can mean many things, ranging from sudden loss of brain function caused by a blocked or ruptured blood vessel to lightly rubbing something with the hand. I'm more inclined to the first one, as thinking about the second one disturbs me.

I'm happy you contacted me again, because I am very fond of this computer and I do not want to sell it to just anyone. I will sleep better at night knowing it went to an intelligent, responsible and sensitive person, who will enjoy many hours of work and fun on a machine that has brought myself many joys.

This computer is wonderful, and can connect remotely to almost anything. Personally I do not know teamviewer, but since it has the word 'team' in its name, I'm guessing it will work without any problems. I am not at home right now, but you can connect at will since I left the computer on.

Kind Regards,


from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:20 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Can you send me more photos?

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:29 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:54 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

You didn't send me photos of the tower like I asked. Could you please send them.

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 7:59 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Dear Nuno,

Attached you'll find a photo of the tower.

Kind Regards,


from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:06 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

I'm sorry but the attachment did not contain a photo of the tower.
I would appreciate if you could send me photos of just the tower.

Thank you
Nuno Casto

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:11 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:14 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Interest in ad

Could you send a photo of the Mac?

Thank you

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:20 PM
subject: Mac

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:24 PM
subject: Re: Mac

I don't think it's funny anymore, I would appreciate if you would send the photos of the mac g5 (aplle)

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:38 PM
subject: Re: Re: Mac

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:44 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Mac

I would like to see photos of the powermax g5

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:53 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mac

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 8:56 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mac

I can see you don't have a tower for sale. if you do I would like you to send photos.

from: Rachel [My Girlfriend at the time]
to: Nuno Castro
cc: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 9:24 PM
subject: ???

Are you the guy that's trying to buy [My Name]'s computer?
He said he would sell it to me first!!!
I was almost sending him the 600 euros he had asked for.
I've been to his house and all and I really want that computer because it's great and a good deal!

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
cc: Rachel
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 9:34 PM
subject: Re: ???

That's right, I had forgotten. I had promised to sell the computer to Rachel for 600 euros, because she was going to keep the cat too. You see, the cat, not only is a pest, but he loves that computer and won't get off it. It will be hard to separate them.
Would you like to have everything for 600 euros? (cat included)

for 700 you get 2 cats
for 1000 you get 2 cats and a dog (PowerMax G5)

from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:38 PM
subject: Re: Re: ???

Go Fuck yourself.

to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:44 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: ???

Hello Nuno,

Thanks for your email. Are you still interested in the computer?

Kind Regards,


from: Nuno Castro
to: Me
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:56 PM
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: ???

Yes, I've told you I am, but you have to send me photos or I won't buy it.

from: Me
to: Nuno Castro
date: Thu, May 26, 2011 at 11:58 PM
subject: Photos

May 29, 2011

Letter to my brother

from: Me
to: Brother
date: Sat, May 28, 2011 at 2:38 AM
subject: Got Money 4 You

Hi Bro,

Cash has arrived. Total is xx,xxx so you get x,xxx. 

My account won't allow me to send that much 'cause I don't have the stupid Token-thingy-ma-jig, so I'll send it over in smaller chunks. Was thinking of 10 euros per week. Sounds fair and it's a good deal for you, this way you wont spend it all at once and you can sleep well at night knowing that every week you're gonna get 10 more. Think of it as a very cool job, where I'm the employer and you are the employee, except you don't have to do anything to get paid. 

I will send the first 10 as soon as possible, and when you run out let me know so I can send some more (please forward all invoices to my email account so I can check that you're spending it wisely) 

There is of course a small catch. As I'm required to log onto my home banking every week, and this can be a risk in the sense that the more you use the system, the greater the chances are of someone seeing you type in your password and taking control of your account, added to the increased stress and work this will bring to my life, I feel I should be paid a small fee for every transfer. Let's say 5 Euros, negotiable, of course. 

Also, it's only fair that I should get a little compensation for using my very expensive Macintosh to perform these tasks. These things are no longer built to last like in the old days, and there are many wears and tears to consider, like the gradual wearing of the keyboard and mouse buttons, hard drive degradation, memory usage, etc. Let's say 4 euros/week, also negotiable. 

For the strain my beautiful 27'' monitor causes on my eyes, I'll require 4,35 / week. 

Of course, these things cannot be accomplished without the use of my internet line, which also costs money and I strongly feel, in all fairness, that you should participate in that cost too. How does 3 euros / week sound? 

There is still the matter of electricity to account for. 3,5 euros / week seems fair. 

While I'm doing this, I won't be doing any work, so that's another 5 euros / week for my time. 

Coming up with this plan involved careful thought, some minor math skills and use of a computer. Here I must say that these skills did not come cheap, so I'll include a small amount to compensate for all these years of studying. 8 euros / week seems about right to me. If you knew how much I charge for my services, you would be very happy with this deal. 

I'm guessing that sometimes I'm going to be hungry or thirsty, so we can add 9,95 for food and beverages every week. 

Oh, and I need a new hard drive, and I see no reason why you should not participate in this cost too. 6 euros /week. 

BTW, my birthday is coming up soon, and what I want this year is, funny enough, 10 euros per week. 

This amounts to exactly 58,80 euros, minus the 10 I was going to send you initially, so it's 48,80 but I feel this should be rounded up to make things easier, so please send 50 euros every week for the next 564 weeks and we'll be even. 

You can use bank transfer, or the donate button on my website which uses paypal for your convenience. 


Have a nice weekend, 


P.S. don't forget to send me the invoices.