May 19, 2011

Letters to Rachel #1

from: Me
to: Rachel
date: Wed, May 18, 2011 at 9:13 PM
subject Re: hey!

Dear Rachel,

The cockroaches are getting bigger and stronger, and I estimate some are now roughly the size of chicken eggs. They seem to double their numbers every day, and there's one in particular, that I swear, looks me straight in the eyes and hints threats with her body language. Sometimes I'm sure they know what I'm thinking. I fear for my life so I've been sleeping rolled up in a corner with a flashlight and a large Sausage. Should an attack occur, I plan to rapidly switch the light on and off, mimicking the effects of lightning while throwing large chunks of the sausage at high speed into the hallway. Cockroaches love a good chase, and I believe they have enough imagination to pretend the sausage projectiles are small live rabbits that they can hunt down, while I quietly sneak out. Hope it doesn't come to that. 

The sewer rat that climbs up through the toilet has pretty much left me alone these last 3 days, constraining his activities to just the living room. I think it's nesting inside the sofa so its siblings must be moving in any day now. Soon we'll have little rat babies. I'm looking forward to that on account that I've been told they're quite good when grilled with cheese. 

When you get back, take care not to touch the live copper wire I have laid out around the house or you'll get a 10,000 volt electrical current flowing through your body. I know it sounds a bit drastic, but as long as we don't touch it and the cats keep their distance, everything should be fine. It's meant to keep the Jehovah Witnesses out, as I have been receiving indecent proposals from a couple of them. 

Also, I hacked you account, by brute-force guessing your password and changed your IRS statement. Basically I declared very large amounts of medical expenses and charity donations. Hope you don't get caught, but if you do, please take some comfort in knowing that it was not only fun, but also a challenge, and you know how much I like challenges. 

Must go and cook dinner now, tonight we're having toilet rolls (double leaf) dipped in warm vinegar. 


Me, Max, Misty & Stinky. 

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