February 16, 2016

The un-sinking of the Titanic

The main problem with that movie, if you ignore all the other problems, is that you know exactly what’s going to happen in the end. Also, there was no need for a 4-hour-long story. It could all be explained in two minutes: “Big boat sails off, big boat hits iceberg. Big boat sinks. Girl with big diamond survives, boyfriend sinks too.”. See? Easy! So I’m proposing an alternate story, where the boat sinks at the beginning... And I’m calling it ‘The un-sinking of the Titanic’, so you think it will rise again. But then you think ‘Hey, that’s really not possible, the boat broke in half’... So now you think it just won’t happen, but the title says it will... And that really bugs you, because you have faith that maybe, just maybe, it is possible, in some sort of technological or alien way... So now you HAVE to read this story to find out.

So the story starts with Jack and Rose making out and then sinking. Rose gets on a raft while Jack freezes his balls off in the water. Rose doesn’t really care too much because the sex wasn’t that great. Jack wonders if there are sharks in the water. Nobody considers climbing onto the massive iceberg that caused all the commotion. In fact, nobody knows where the iceberg went. When they look around, the sea is flat and not a single iceberg in sight. Jack thinks ‘Damn! that was unlucky’... It’s like driving through a desert and managing to hit the only palm tree in existence. But what’s done is done, and the Titanic is now reconfigured into two semi-titanic submarines with leakage problems. Jack lets go of Rose’s raft and swims around for a while, happy to get a break from her, since she’s not being that much fun anymore and she’s turning blue, so not even pretty.
He plays around in the water, gets a Chinese guy to snap a few picture for his Facebook page and then has an idea: He would build his own raft! ‘Fuck Rose and her blue face!’. So he gathers 150 lifejackets from the dead passengers that are floating around, and builds himself a nice warm mansion-raft (Note from author: Hard to believe nobody thought of this).

Suddenly Rose is all like ‘is there room for me’ and shit, but Jack isn’t having it. So Rose tells him she still has a huge freakin’ diamond in her pocket. Jack is like ‘throw that shit over, and then I’ll let you on board’, but Rose is mean, bitter and distrustful, so she says ‘let me climb on first, then we can cuddle and stuff, and you get the stone’. Jack  doesn’t give a rat’s ass about cuddling anymore, but he figures he can let her on, grab the stone then push her off again... She climbs on:

[Jack]: ‘Okay, let’s see it...
[Rose]: ‘See what?
[Jack]: ‘The diamond, of course.
[Rose]: ‘You said we would cuddle first.
[Jack]: ‘Never said that.
[Rose]: ‘Yes you did. We had an agreement.
[Jack]: ‘What if I don’t feel like cuddling right now?
[Rose]: ‘But you said...
[Jack]: ‘No I didn’t, you said it... I never agreed to anything.
[Rose]: ‘But you let me climb on board...
[Jack]: ‘Doesn’t mean I want to cuddle.
[Rose]: ‘Why? What’s wrong?
[Jack]: ‘Nothing’s wrong, I just don’t feel like it.
[Rose]: ‘Don’t you love me anymore?
[Jack]: ‘It’s not that... I... I just have a headache... You know... From the cold...
[Rose]: ‘We don’t need to have sex, it’s just cuddling...

Meanwhile, in the water, other survivors see Jack’s floating mansion, and it looks really nice and warm and cosy, so they all paddle over and try to climb on. Now jack is having an argument about cuddling with Rose while checking the survivors for a new girl that isn’t as argumentative as Rose, but the hypothermia makes everyone look the same. They’re also all a bit too needy and desperate so Jack figures Rose might be his best bet.

[Jack]: ‘Okay, we can cuddle.
[Rose]: ‘Maybe now I don’t want to...
[Jack]: ‘Why not?
[Rose]: ‘I’m not so cold anymore.
[Jack]: ‘That’s fine, just give me the diamond then.
[Rose]: ‘What if I want to cuddle later?
[Jack]: ‘Later when?
[Rose]: ‘I don’t know, in half an hour, maybe...
[Jack]: ‘What if I have another headache in half an hour?
[Rose]: ‘Well, you have a headache now and you’re willing to cuddle...
[Jack]: ‘Look, do you want to cuddle or not?
[Rose]: ‘Now or in half an hour?
[Jack]: ’Now.
[Rose]: ‘No Thank you.

At this point, the Titanic had just hit the bottom of the ocean. A few fish and crabs went in to check it out... Up on the top, Captain Smith found his way on to Jack’s raft:

[Captain Smith]: ‘Am I interrupting?
[Jack]: ‘No, I think we’re done here...
[Rose]: ‘We’re not done.
[Captain Smith]: ’Should I come back later?
[Jack]: ’No.
[Rose]: ‘Yes.
[Jack]: ‘Don’t mind her.
[Captain Smith]: ‘Awfully sorry. It’s just that I have an idea.
[Jack]: ‘Idea for what?
[Rose]: ‘Idea for what?
[Jack]: ‘Please don’t repeat what I say.
[Rose]: ‘Fine. I won’t repeat what you say.
[Captain Smith]: ‘For saving the Titanic...
[Rose]: ‘What?
[Jack]: ‘What?’ (almost at the same time)
[Captain Smith]: ‘I rem...
[Rose]: (interrupting) ’Please don’t repeat what I say!
[Jack]: (rolling his eyes) ’Go on, Captain...
[Rose]: ‘Yes, please go on.
(Jack gives Rose the stink-eye)
[Captain Smith]: ‘Well, you see... I remembered something that might help save the Titanic...
[Jack]: ’How can I help?
[Rose]: ‘Always trying to be a hero... Let the man speak first Jack!
[Jack]: ‘Rose, you are beginning to seriously piss me off.
[Rose]: ‘You started it.
[Jack]: ‘No, YOU did!
[Rose]: (being very arrogant and sure of herself) ‘Really? How?
[Captain Smith]: ‘Guys... A way to save the Titanic...?
[Jack]: ‘By not letting me on your raft.
[Rose]: ‘There was no room for two...
[Jack]: ‘You never even offered.
[Rose]: ‘It just wasn’t possible.
[Jack]: ‘Still... would have been nice of you to offer...
[Captain Smith]: ‘...so I remembered that there’s a special button in the engine room...
[Rose]: ‘Did YOU offer for me to come on THIS raft?
[Jack]: ‘This was after you hadn’t offered... besides, you had your own raft.
[Rose]: (being sarcastic) ’Would have been nice of you to offer!
[Captain Smith]: ‘...that opens up all the valves on the oxygen tanks...
[Jack]: ‘Rose, you are THIS close... THIS close Rose!

By this time, almost 50 other people were on board Jack’s raft. None of them said a word. They were just standing around in a circle, listening to the discussion that was going on... A little kid shakes his mother’s arm and asks her:

[Kid]: ‘Mummy? Should Jack cuddle Rose?
[Mother]: ‘It’s not that simple, dear.
[Kid]: ‘Why not, mummy?
[Mother]: ‘Because Jack is right. Rose was a bitch.
[Kid]: ‘What’s a bitch, mummy?
[Mother]: ‘It’s a female dog...
[Kid]: ‘Rose was a dog?
[Mother]: ‘It also means she was being silly...
[Kid]: ’She was a silly dog?
[Mother]: ‘No, she was just silly.
[Kid]: ‘But you said...
[Mother]: ‘Oh shut up and let me listen...

[Captain Smith]: ’...so you see, if we could just manage to do that, we could still save the Titanic!
[Jack]: ‘My goodness, you’re right! That might just work.

[Mother]: (looking angrily at her son) ‘See? Now I don’t know what they said!

[Rose]: ‘But how do we do it?
[Captain Smith]: ’Someone has to go down there...
(everyone looks at Jack)
[Jack]: ‘You have to be kidding me...
[Captain Smith]: ‘I’m afraid not.
[Jack]: ‘Why me?’ (looking around at everybody else)
[Rose]: ‘Because you’re the hero of this story...
[Jack]: ‘I don’t want to be the hero anymore.
[Rose]: ‘Oh, it was fine when you were humping me, but now it isn’t so appealing?
[Jack]: ‘C’mon Rose, be reasonable... No one can survive that.
[Captain Smith]: ‘Maybe there’s another way...

Everyone had turned their backs and were pretending to mingle, in fear that they would be picked to go down there... Everyone except the little boy.

[Kid]: ‘Mummy... Why doesn’t Jack want to go down there?
[Mother]: ‘Because it’s dangerous.
[Kid]: ‘Why?
[Mother]: ‘Because the water is cold... and dark... and the Titanic is very deep down...
[Kid]: ‘Why?
[Mother]: ‘Because it sank all the way to the bottom of the ocean...

[Captain Smith]: ‘...and this way is easier...
[Jack]: ‘I’m still not doing it...
[Rose]: ‘We’ll all die if you don’t...
[Jack]: ‘We’ll also die if YOU don’t...
[Rose]: ‘Surely you can’t expect ME to go?
[Captain Smith]: ‘I’ll go then!
[Rose]: ’No Captain! You shouldn’t. You are too old to make that dive. Jack should go.
[Jack]: ‘See Captain? She’s just trying to get rid of me.
[Captain Smith]: ‘I don’t think that’s the case Jack.
[Jack]: ‘Oh I bet it is.
[Rose]: ‘A few minutes ago you wanted to cuddle me, now you won’t save my life?
[Jack]: ‘Look, I never wanted to cuddle you! I just said that because you wanted to.
[Rose]: ‘I should have known... And I gave you my virginity...
[Jack]: ‘Yeah, big mistake. Wasn’t worth the calories...
[Rose]: ‘You’re a bastard!
[Jack]: ‘Bite me!
[Rose]: ‘Okay, I’ll give you the diamond if you go down there!
[Jack]: ‘Give it to me now, in case I don’t survive.
[Rose]: ‘What good is the diamond to you if you don’t survive?
[Jack]: ‘Just the pleasure of knowing you don’t get to keep it after I kill myself trying to save you...
[Rose]: ‘Now who’s not being reasonable?
[Jack]: ‘Okay, have it your way! Whoever has the diamond gets to go down there!
[Rose]: ‘Oh that’s not fair!
[Jack]: ’Sure it is.

[Stranger in crowd]: ‘I’ll go!
[Rose]: ‘See Jack? there are still decent people on this raft!
[Stranger in crowd]: ‘But I want the diamond...
[Rose]: ’Sure! Here you go.’ (hands diamond over to stranger)
[Jack]: ‘What the fuck Rose!
[Rose]: ‘Oh Hush!
[Jack]: ‘Bitch!

[kid]: ‘Mommy, Jack just called Rose a...
[Mother]: (interrupting) ‘Yes, I heard...

[Jack]: ‘Fuck this shit!’ (dives off raft, swims a few meters away and climbs onto Rose's old raft)
[Rose]: (yelling) ’That’s right you coward! Swim away!

Stranger in crowd puts the diamond in his pocket and dives into the water. Comes back up a few seconds later:

[Stranger]: ‘Can’t reach it. it’s too deep... Oh well... I tried...’ (then turns to Jack and shouts) ‘Hey Jack! Half the diamond for a spot on your raft!
[Jack]: ‘Deal!

Stranger swims over, climbs on board, and they paddle away.


The End.

C'mon, you didn't really think the Titanic was going to rise again... Did you?

No comments:

Post a Comment